The time my elf was kidnapped

A few months ago, I thought it would be fun to get my Elf on the Shelf, Neville, back out to have some fun at work.

You know, hiding him in coworkers' drawers, on coat hangers, behind computer monitors...normal cubeland places.

"That elf is so creepy," my one coworker told me. "If you ever put him in my cube, you'll never see him again."

I hid Neville inside her cube within 15 minutes.

When I stopped over later to laugh with her about it and fetch my elf, she said she had not been joking.

NEVILLE WAS GONE.

Below are all true events in the kidnapping of Neville.

First, my coworker posted this heart-wrenching photo to my Facebook wall, captioned, "Someone just sent this to me with instructions to post it here. This looks bad..."

Then came a ransom note left at my desk!

Dear Ms. Beall,

By now, you know that we have Neville. We urge you do not involve the authorities in any way. If you comply with our demands, we will attempt to reunite you with Neville at a future point in time. But if you involve the police in any way, you will never see Neville again.

You should await our further instruction.

Yours, etc.
The Elfin Liberation Army.

The ransom note was followed by another Facebook post, this photo much more TERRIFYING!

"Um, those weird elves just sent me this."

The post also included another note from Neville's captors.


Oh, shoot. They also sent this?

Dear Ms. Beall,

Apologies for the delay in sending this message. Neville’s deprogramming is taking longer than we had anticipated. It seems he is deeply bonded with you. We see this sometimes with our elfin brethren. They are taken from their homes at such a tender age and sent to live with humans while still so impressionable.

Ms. Beall, that is why we “took” Neville back from you, and now that we know about the power and influence you wield on the World Wide Web, we need your help to shed light on the plight of elves today. See, many years ago, the first elves ventured out from the North Pole in search of adventure and excitement. Many of them found happiness by assimilating into human society. But like all good things, it became increasingly popular for humans to “have” an elf. And once that desire was ignited, like everything else greedy humans became interested in, it was only a matter of time before all the Free Choice elves had human families, but many more humans were left wanting to “have” an elf. Since that time, some sinister problems have developed. Elfin trafficking has become a serious problem for us and it needs serious attention from you. 

We know that you and your friends all think it’s “adorable,” “cool,” and even “hip” to have an elf live in your home. You can trot the elf out around the holidays, parade him around for guests, try to catch him in the act of doing something “naughty” so you can post it on your Pinstergrams and Instarest boards, in your Faceyplaces and your MyBooks, to impress all your little friends, and – more importantly, your frenemies. 

But have you really thought about that elf’s life before he came to live with you? He had a family – parents, siblings, even pets – who miss him terribly. And he? He doesn’t even know the ways of the elves – his own kind. He never had time to learn and grow up enough to make a decision for himself about whether to stay with us at the North Pole or to choose for himself to leave us and make his own way in the world. Can you imagine being ripped from your home in such a way? Of course not. It’s too difficult to contemplate.

So we need your help, Ms. Beall. In the coming weeks, we’ll be calling on your to use the power of your voice as a means for real change in the world. We need you. The kidnapped elfin children of the world need you. But most importantly, Neville needs you. Please don’t let him down.

Oh, and don’t worry about that photo – Neville’s just being his usual helpful self and checking our tire alignment – you should have that checked at every oil change, you know.

Until our next instruction, we remain, respectfully,
-The Elfin Liberation Army

This morning, I arrived to my new cube for the first time as my department moved buildings over the weekend.

I opened my drawer to find...NEVILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was all tied up but safe and sound!

The note attached read, "Jenna! I escaped my captors, but when I came home, you were gone. Please don't ever let me out of your sight again! Also, can I get some help with these ties?"

Coworker 1, Jenna 0.

Bravo, bravo.